I don't know you! Give me back my purse!

Actual names have been changed to protect, y'know, the identity of all assholes involved.

Hi this is Bert. I am calling from Awesome Insurance Services. Can I speak with Yuri Ahole? Oh, I see. Ok, well then, Mr. Ahole, I am just returning your call about your car insurance? Ah, yes, I will see what I can do to get you a cheaper rate. Yes, I know you have been with us for a very long time. Yes, eight years is a long time. I know. OK. Yes, sir. Sure thing.

Ok, let's start off simple. What's your Zip Code? According to our policy you seem to have four drivers on your policy including yourself? Let's see, your wife drives the Hummer H2? No problem. Does your 17 year old son still drive the 2004 BMW? Oh, you got him the new 2005 BMW? Ok, I'll put that in right now. And what about your 16 year old son? Does he still drive the 2004 Mercedes Benz? Ah, I see you gave him the 2005 BMW. Ok, that's fine. And do you still drive that 2005 Lexus? No? What do you drive now? Oh, you drive a Porsche now? Ok. Gotcha. Yes, yes, those kids do grow up quickly.

Next is driver information. Has anyone in your family had any car accidents in the last three years? I see. That is why you replaced the Lexus? Ok, so that'll be two at-fault injury accidents for you. And what about your sons? two speeding tickets on the older one and one speeding ticket for the younger one? I see. Ok. Finally, your wife? Nothing? Really? Are you sure? No, sir, I'm not trying to imply anything. Ok, moving on. What? Oh, you forgot to mention the DUI? You think it is already cleared? Well, just in case I'll just put that one in.

Alright, last step of the process: coverages. What kind of coverage do you want? The highest? Are you sure? No, sir, I'm not implying that you are too poor to pay for the higher coverage. Ok, I'll put liability at 100K/300K/50K. Alright, I think that about rounds it out.

Annually, your insurance is going to be about fourteen thousand dollars. What? No, sir, I'm not joking. Last year? The annual premium was about six thousand a year. Yes, well, let me explain it to you. Your entire family is driving some pretty expensive cars. You and your sons have violations up an--actually, that's more than double your premium from last year. No, sir, I am not trying to steal your money. No, I did not fix the cost. I only put your numbers in and the machine outpu--no, sir, I am not trying to steal your money. Sir, please calm down. Sir, I am going to tell you again, I do not have the physical ability to steal your money. That is why this is a quote. Sir, you do not have to buy insurance from us. If you're going to be rude to me, you can go else where. I am sorry, there really isn't anything else left that I can do for you. No, once again, I am not trying to steal your money. In fact, this premium doesn't even include our broker fee.

I have been working here for the past 7 years. Well, you are welcome to come down and talk to my manager if you want. Sir, please, I am not trying to steal your money. Goodbye sir. I do not think threatening my well-being will help you get a lower rate. Yes, I will be in tomorrow. You are coming in tomorrow to find me? Sure, I will see you tomorrow. Good-bye. No, I will not give you my address, you twit. Good-bye.